We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
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