you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
