The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
