My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
