I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I'm gonna fight the coyote
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
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