yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
