i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
