I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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