dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
