guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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