I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
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