I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
