Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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