my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
