i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
