Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
