I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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