had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Randomize
