I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
