my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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