dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
