he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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