Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I supernannyed him into submission
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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