Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
