WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
