A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I still have a little drunk in my system
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
