best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
