I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
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