im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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