my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
