clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
