he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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