You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
