This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
