you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
