Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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