we have officially lost it.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
