fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
