Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
We named our party play list daddy issues
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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