First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
