i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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