I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
