i was rollin on her like bob the builder
it hurts more in the daytime
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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