drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
