How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
