Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
