Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
