i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
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