I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
