Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
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