So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
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He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
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You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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