I just made out with a guy for $7.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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