There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
He kissed a someone with a penis
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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