The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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