im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
