i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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